Monday, November 24, 2014
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Just thoughts.
So I went drinking last night.
And I woke up today, not feeling too good. Talked to ig on the phone, and I do admit my attitude was horrid. Which led him to hang up on me.
And that got me thinking, alot. Well frankly speaking..I don't expect anyone to tolerate my shit.
Especially people that I hold closest to me. I don't want to make anyone feel miserable just because of my own selfish-ness.
But...I do hope sometimes tht somebody, if not anybody, would just ask me what's wrong instead of brushing me off.
Just that hint of concern would be enough. And I don't understand why it's so hard for him to just ask me if I'm alright instead of telling me I'm being fucked up.
I mean don't you think tht there are reasons for me to be feeling upset/moody?
One doesn't just wake up and be like 'man i'm pissed off today' for no good reason.
Sometimes I wonder who really cares and understands.
Cuz to me the only person who really did was him.
Well ain't that a pity.
I do wish that he was still here with me. Guiding me through everything and telling me that things are gonna be alright.
Always listening and knwing all the right words to say.
But he's gone. Well, physically.
I know that he's still here with me every step of the way. He would always be right here with me.
And so would I to him.
Through all of this I've learnt alot. I've learnt never to totally depend on and never to dedicate everything you've got to anyone at all.
In the end you're the one tht's gonna have to pay for it.
Since the day he was gone, I've been so lost. And till now I'm still searching for my way back.
I've managed to get back onto the right path (i think) but with no idea about where I'm going.
Still trying though. I'm sure that one day things would be just fine. Or so I hope.
That space in my heart has been replaced by ig and I can't even put out into words how much he means to me.
But it's just different.
It was great at the start, perfect actually.
But now it's just..Maybe I'm just tired of everything.
I don't know.
And I woke up today, not feeling too good. Talked to ig on the phone, and I do admit my attitude was horrid. Which led him to hang up on me.
And that got me thinking, alot. Well frankly speaking..I don't expect anyone to tolerate my shit.
Especially people that I hold closest to me. I don't want to make anyone feel miserable just because of my own selfish-ness.
But...I do hope sometimes tht somebody, if not anybody, would just ask me what's wrong instead of brushing me off.
Just that hint of concern would be enough. And I don't understand why it's so hard for him to just ask me if I'm alright instead of telling me I'm being fucked up.
I mean don't you think tht there are reasons for me to be feeling upset/moody?
One doesn't just wake up and be like 'man i'm pissed off today' for no good reason.
Sometimes I wonder who really cares and understands.
Cuz to me the only person who really did was him.
Well ain't that a pity.
I do wish that he was still here with me. Guiding me through everything and telling me that things are gonna be alright.
Always listening and knwing all the right words to say.
But he's gone. Well, physically.
I know that he's still here with me every step of the way. He would always be right here with me.
And so would I to him.
Through all of this I've learnt alot. I've learnt never to totally depend on and never to dedicate everything you've got to anyone at all.
In the end you're the one tht's gonna have to pay for it.
Since the day he was gone, I've been so lost. And till now I'm still searching for my way back.
I've managed to get back onto the right path (i think) but with no idea about where I'm going.
Still trying though. I'm sure that one day things would be just fine. Or so I hope.
That space in my heart has been replaced by ig and I can't even put out into words how much he means to me.
But it's just different.
It was great at the start, perfect actually.
But now it's just..Maybe I'm just tired of everything.
I don't know.
Friday, July 26, 2013
Disclaimer.
Day: Thursday. Date: 26th July 2013. Time: 5:08am.
I just had the sudden thought to create this blog.
Because I know..that my time here is probably going to be limited, or already is limited.
Due to my eating disorder, since 4 years back..
And I just simply can't bear the thought of how hurt my loved ones/the people who love and care about me would be when I'm gone.
I can't even imagine for one second about how much of a slap in the face and shock it's going to be for them when I'm suddenly just...gone.
And most of all I can't stand knowing that I might just be gone like that without leaving any messages to them, or telling them any of the things I want to/have always wanted to let them know and say to them.
So yeah...here's this blog then.
I can't really think of any other way to leave all the stuff I wanna say behind.
A blog seems to be the best decision I guess? Cos eventually someone would read it. Yeah.
I'm going to link this up on my public blog too when I feel that it's the right time, so my loved ones would definitely see this.
I'm scared that if I leave my will in a handwritten note, it'll never be found.
And if I keep it in my phone, no one would check too cuz maybe they wouldn't know my hp password anymore if I so happen to change it.
I'm just feeling so uneasy knowing that I can just drop dead anytime because of ana and mia.
And no, they're not people. Anorexia and bulimia.
I really know that I should be getting help. But I can't seem to find the courage to do so,
or to really talk to my mum or dad about this.
Coz I really don't want them to be upset/worried etcetc..Sometimes. Well no, most of the time.
I just sit in my room and cry. Almost everyday. And it really hurts. It hurts so much to always think that I'm so ugly.
To look at myself in the mirror and hate whatever's looking back at me.
And what hurts the most is that voice. Those. Those monsters, ana and mia in my head that's always telling me that I'm not good enough.
Always telling me I should be better. And that the best way by doing that is getting some control, and the easiest form of it would be not eating and getting progress out of it.
Which would be my weight loss.
Another reason I've created this blog too is because everything is kind of spiralling out of my control now.
My weight is dropping really quickly, about 1kg every two or three days.
And I've watched almost every video on youtube about other girls who's been through this too.
Some of them have died. And they're younger than me. So just incase. I've created this blog, yeah.
Ana and mia would never be with me, not even in a million years if it all was me just wanting to lose weight/ thinking that i was fat.
There's so much more to them than that...it's just. A form a comfort I guess.
A solution to everything. That was what I was looking for.
Someone or perhaps something that I could fully confide in without any worries.
Something that would always be with me and never leave me alone. Yeah..A pillar that I can lean on.
But...even I know it. This pillar which made me feel so good at the start,
so in control, and happy about myself actually.
Eventually it turned into something horrible. I can't even control it or change it now.
It's just a part of me, that I HATE so much. I just cannot stop it, or push it away.
I've invited them into my life, and they're here to stay forever.
I know that they're not real, that it's just illusions. I know. Of course I know!
But this illusion is killing me. And I can't stop.
It's like no one can do anything about it because it's not actually real or 'there'.
I am alone with them. I can't talk to anyone about it.
Though I know i've got people that I can talk to.
But...whenever I want to say something. I just choose not to. It's too complicated a story.
And I'd much rather keep my misery to myself. I'm sorry for not saying anything.
All this time, I've been alone, and have been feeling alone. And nothing can change all of that,
and I need the people i love to understand that it's not your fault that I'm going to be/am gone.
It's not because you didn't care enough or didn't help.
It's because no matter how hard you tried to help me, it just would not work. It's because I didn't and can't say anything/talk about this.
I truly am very sorry.. I love all of you.
And yeah, that's about all I've got to say.
I just had the sudden thought to create this blog.
Because I know..that my time here is probably going to be limited, or already is limited.
Due to my eating disorder, since 4 years back..
And I just simply can't bear the thought of how hurt my loved ones/the people who love and care about me would be when I'm gone.
I can't even imagine for one second about how much of a slap in the face and shock it's going to be for them when I'm suddenly just...gone.
And most of all I can't stand knowing that I might just be gone like that without leaving any messages to them, or telling them any of the things I want to/have always wanted to let them know and say to them.
So yeah...here's this blog then.
I can't really think of any other way to leave all the stuff I wanna say behind.
A blog seems to be the best decision I guess? Cos eventually someone would read it. Yeah.
I'm going to link this up on my public blog too when I feel that it's the right time, so my loved ones would definitely see this.
I'm scared that if I leave my will in a handwritten note, it'll never be found.
And if I keep it in my phone, no one would check too cuz maybe they wouldn't know my hp password anymore if I so happen to change it.
I'm just feeling so uneasy knowing that I can just drop dead anytime because of ana and mia.
And no, they're not people. Anorexia and bulimia.
I really know that I should be getting help. But I can't seem to find the courage to do so,
or to really talk to my mum or dad about this.
Coz I really don't want them to be upset/worried etcetc..Sometimes. Well no, most of the time.
I just sit in my room and cry. Almost everyday. And it really hurts. It hurts so much to always think that I'm so ugly.
To look at myself in the mirror and hate whatever's looking back at me.
And what hurts the most is that voice. Those. Those monsters, ana and mia in my head that's always telling me that I'm not good enough.
Always telling me I should be better. And that the best way by doing that is getting some control, and the easiest form of it would be not eating and getting progress out of it.
Which would be my weight loss.
Another reason I've created this blog too is because everything is kind of spiralling out of my control now.
My weight is dropping really quickly, about 1kg every two or three days.
And I've watched almost every video on youtube about other girls who's been through this too.
Some of them have died. And they're younger than me. So just incase. I've created this blog, yeah.
Ana and mia would never be with me, not even in a million years if it all was me just wanting to lose weight/ thinking that i was fat.
There's so much more to them than that...it's just. A form a comfort I guess.
A solution to everything. That was what I was looking for.
Someone or perhaps something that I could fully confide in without any worries.
Something that would always be with me and never leave me alone. Yeah..A pillar that I can lean on.
But...even I know it. This pillar which made me feel so good at the start,
so in control, and happy about myself actually.
Eventually it turned into something horrible. I can't even control it or change it now.
It's just a part of me, that I HATE so much. I just cannot stop it, or push it away.
I've invited them into my life, and they're here to stay forever.
I know that they're not real, that it's just illusions. I know. Of course I know!
But this illusion is killing me. And I can't stop.
It's like no one can do anything about it because it's not actually real or 'there'.
I am alone with them. I can't talk to anyone about it.
Though I know i've got people that I can talk to.
But...whenever I want to say something. I just choose not to. It's too complicated a story.
And I'd much rather keep my misery to myself. I'm sorry for not saying anything.
All this time, I've been alone, and have been feeling alone. And nothing can change all of that,
and I need the people i love to understand that it's not your fault that I'm going to be/am gone.
It's not because you didn't care enough or didn't help.
It's because no matter how hard you tried to help me, it just would not work. It's because I didn't and can't say anything/talk about this.
I truly am very sorry.. I love all of you.
And yeah, that's about all I've got to say.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)